My Tell-Tale Heart
[Editor’s note: I wrote this post based on conversations with my son, Jack. He read it over and asked me to tell you that he always has a sandwich after school now, except on Tuesdays. On Tuesdays he likes to have cereal.]
My Tell-Tale Heart
Hello.
I am Jack.
I am a teenager.
I have autism.
I am not like everyone else.
I jump around the room to calm my body.
I have a hard time
to find the right words.
I have very big thoughts
like an elephant in a crowded elevator.
Disney movies.
Cake recipes.
The weather.
All the time we talk about autism in my family.
At first for me
I was mad to talk about it.
But now, for us it is normal.
It is not a secret.
I am not a secret.
All throughout the house
I leave clues.
Stacks of cups in the cabinet,
organized by color.
Grocery lists by the bed.
Movie times in the calendar.
I am not a secret.
I am a boy.
My school is different.
Two years ago,
I did not want this school.
I screamed and said bad things.
I tried to run away.
I had my madness.
Two years now.
Two years, and
things have started to change,
like magic.
Not rabbit-out-of-the-hat magic.
More like caterpillar-into-butterfly magic.
Slow.
Slowly.
I let go of my madness
and made space in my brain.
I am learning.
I am knowing things.
Newton’s Law of Motion.
How to solve 5x – 2 = 18.
The Tell-Tale Heart
by Edgar Allen Poe.
Yes, it takes me longer
to learn the equations and the laws and the words.
I reread,
and repeat,
and redo.
Until it makes sense to me.
I am not like anyone else.
My mother says.
I am a luna moth
lighting in a snow tree.
Uncommon.
Unusual.
Magnificent.
This week, she came from a meeting,
called the I.E.P.
Individualized Education Plan.
This is where
my mother and my father and my teachers and my therapists and my case manager
sit around a shiny wooden table.
To talk about goals
and progress
and autism.
When my mother walked in the door,
her face was mismatched.
Wet eyes.
Smiley mouth.
Busy, happy hands.
Jack! Jack.
Upturned eyes from my after-school sandwich.
Jack. We met with your team.
I waited without words.
They said it is possible
you could graduate
with a high school degree.
A high school degree.
A high school degree.
When I am eighteen years old.
Right away I thought about all the things
other people have
which might also be mine.
A white tent in the backyard.
Long sandwiches across the table.
A cap on my head and a diploma in my hand.
A degree. For finishing high school.
She said
there is work ahead of me.
Volunteer time.
A senior project.
School all year round.
More algebra.
But I can do it.
She thinks I can do it.
They think I can do it.
I am not like everybody else.
I have a small fire within me,
and every day it burns a little brighter.
I will not give up.
My tell-tale heart.
A heart.
That tells it’s own tale.
Jack-a-boo? Buddy? What are you thinking?
Only I couldn’t find the words to explain
what is in my head.
I am Jack.
I am fourteen.
I am possible.
Objects in motion will stay in motion.
An object in rest will stay in rest.
For every action there is equal and opposite reaction.
2022
October 15, 2018 @ 8:38 am
Wonderful news! I cried reading, hoping one day I can write 2031 for my little guy who is currently trying his best to make it through Kindergarten.
October 15, 2018 @ 8:42 am
Jack, you are brilliant! You reread, repeat and redo until it makes sense to you. And now it makes sense to me why my daughter rereads, repeats and redoes. Thanks for making my day, Jack. You’re awesome!!!
October 15, 2018 @ 8:52 am
Thank you for sharing your super cool story. It made me happy and I smiled.
October 15, 2018 @ 9:56 am
Now I’m crying. Happy, mismatched tears.
October 15, 2018 @ 11:21 am
Our kids are growing up Carrie. They will get there because we’ve always given our all to them. Pat yourself on the back.
October 15, 2018 @ 4:42 pm
Yes you can Jack! I believe in you.
October 15, 2018 @ 6:07 pm
Of course he will. Especially since he has wonderful supportive parents.
Mine actually graduated college! Now he is enrolling in a coding camp. He loves it and we are hoping he can support himself w a job in that field. He still loves singing and manages to sing on Sundays in San Francisco at a small church.
Hang tough big guy and never give up. I know your parents have the faith.
October 15, 2018 @ 6:15 pm
You are going to be so handsome in your cap and gown, Jack. Hope we see lots of pictures when the time comes! Congratulations to the Cariello clan….what great news.
October 16, 2018 @ 12:51 am
So well written Jack! You are one awesome young man and I believe you for sure will be wearing that cap and gown when you are eighteen!
October 18, 2018 @ 4:26 am
What a wonderful story. You go Jack! You CAN do it!